The morning sun has risen and the first rays play upon my cheek. As they hit my face I close my eyes and take a deep breath and inhale the sweet smell of country air. I let it fill my lungs. “Am I dreaming?” my jet lagged mind begins to wonder. I take in another deep breath and hold it in, but not before a whip of a tail hits my leg and an excited bark startles me. I open my eyes and see my beautiful happy puppies and then take in my surroundings. It’s 6 am and my pups seem to have worse jet lag than me but I’m not dreaming – we’ve actually made it. My eyes well up with tears. The reality – the emotional rollercoaster we have had to endure these past three months is finally over. Relief, excitement; my emotions pour out and overwhelm me. This time the tears are ones of happiness and joy, not fear and despair. I’m home with my husband; my family’s back together and the next chapter in my life has finally begun. I close my eyes again and let the sun kiss my cheek; I am ready for a whole new adventure.
Rewind. Two weeks. Wow! A lethal cocktail of happiness, sadness, tears, fears and exhaustion. Travelling up and down the country to say my final farewells to my family was hard enough but then came the time to say goodbye to my best friends; the ones who I hold in the highest regard as family. They may not be bound to me by blood but as far as family go, these people are just as close and as special as any family member I ever had.
Firstly you have my boy Markie who in 13 years has been with me through the good, the bad and the ugly; literally EVERYTHING YOU CAN IMAGINE! I am the Godmother and auntie to five of the most precious little peanuts in the world. My brother’s little girls Natalia and Corinne, my best friend Lesha’s (another 12 year friendship and so much history) little boys Frank and Spike and now their newest addition Little Miss
Dakota Bleu. She’s the beautiful 7 week old girl of another one of my oldest, nearest, dearest, Northern girlfriends and one of the most amazing birds I know, DJ Miss Mavrik. Not only was saying goodbye to these dearest of dears bad enough but I had the exceptional task of giving all I had to give to not break down saying farewell to my little ones. Let me tell you, it has been a difficult task for myself and my husband to have children. We lost three babies, one ectopic and two miscarriages. One of these was due to the hospital and the nurses’ lack of care and their neglect which led to them aborting our baby who would be 7 months right now. But, hey, that story’s not for this tale as this is a happy tale, not just any tale, this my fairy tale.
As you can imagine my God-boys, nieces and nephews mean the world to me. I’ve bought presents for them all so as not to forget their auntie Xarah and been given presents, homemade cards and teddies from them and cried and cried and cried. But, we have Skype and the internet (as the government so politely told my husband in his declined visa application. If he wanted to maintain a relationship and marriage with me, his spouse, he either took me with him to America as he’s not from a war-torn country or we had to have a Skype/Internet relationship. It now seems so ludicrous to us. It’s laughable but at the time it wasn’t so easy to ridicule.)
Since arriving in the US I’ve already spoken to Frank and Spike who thought, because I’m in America I must be on my jollies and they made their own beach in the bath along with snorkels, masks and water containing sea creatures and sharks. Oh, the creativity of tiny little minds. They should enjoy it whilst they can. Soon all they will be thinking of are mortgages and tax payments instead of sea creatures and fake beaches called POO POO ISLAND.
I’m blessed to have had a few farewell events and parties to attend, all with such wonderful people who I feel so very honoured to have met in my life in both London and Brighton. Each and every one of them has brought something special into it.
Thinking of my Brighton friends now triggers a memory, a flash back, which I was actually reminded of a few weeks ago when I got message after message saying, “you’re in the Times magazine”. After finding the article itself I discovered it was a photograph of my husband and my good friend and fellow performance artist, the ever so sexy Miss Vanessa Barrett aka Coco De Ville as well as myself and my boy Markie. We were p
ictured riding on the fetish float for The Dungeon Bar, Brighton, at Gay Pride last year.
It was a hot sunny morning in Bright Town, Bank holiday August and the doorbell rang. There, stood in all his Gay Pride glory was my Markie. Right there in his Rhianna ‘Mickey Mouse helmet’, leather jacket, biker boots and clutching a bottle of vodka.
“Right, you got any red lippy” he said in his midland’s accent. I smiled, packed my thigh boots into my bag, stuck my pasties on my nipples and applied my ruby woo to Markie’s beautiful pouty lips and then proceeded to involve my husband in the ritual. Oh, a quicky, within the quick story:
Once upon a time I was actually booked to perform live on stage at the X-Factor with Rhianna where we had the ultimate food fight whilst she sang ‘Only Girl’. It was as if the gods knew that a food fight was something I had always dreamed of doing since I was a child and now it was something I got to do whilst being paid for the privilege! Here was little me throwing a cupcake at Rhianna herself and getting to smash a fabulous drag queen’s face full throttle into a three tier iced wedding cake. That’s why I love my job; there’s never a dull moment. Maybe that’s where my sweet tooth came from?
So, back to Brighton Pride: I grabbed Steve and in a moment of breakfast adrenaline vodka fuelled madness I ripped off his t-shirt, threw him into a leather jacket and applied the ruby woo. I looked him up and down and realised that there was something missing as I stepped back to admire my very handsome semi-naked lipstick wearing husband.
What was it? I couldn’t quite figure it out, but it was something, and then as I looked again at my extremely sexy, beautiful, handsome semi-naked lipstick wearing husband who was cuddling our precious boxer Mr White it dawned on me. I took off Mr. White’s bondage style dog collar, grabbed his chain, hooked Steve up to it and his new look was complete. Tugging on the lead I led him out the front door with Markie in tow and off we went. As you can see from the photo, Brighton Pride was wonderful, full of eccentric comfortable individuals and we had a great day. Even the temporary disturbance of a bomb scare didn’t faze the vibe on our float. That memory will stay with me forever. Thank you Brighton. I salute thee.
In my last blog I mentioned getting my Japanese sleeve finished by the ever so talented Lesley Chang before I headed off to LA LA LAND. Now, we are so close, she has done an awesome job at completing the piece but we still have a few sessions to go. Anyway it wasn’t the tattoo I wanted to discuss with you but the healer I met in the midst of being tattooed. As I laid there being worked on, concentrating hard to deal with the needle breaking my skin and catching up with Leslie, in walked a gentleman. A big gentleman. A big gentleman with a big smile; confident and with great energy. He was there to drop off some blessed stones for Leslie. Whatever you believe in, however you interpret your life and your soul, I personally am a very connected individual. I’ve experienced many different spiritual moments in my life ever since I was a little girl to the present day.
Back to the gentleman who I call Rob the Hitman Healer. Now, in no terms is Rob a hitman. It’s just a personal joke as he sounds like a gangster from back in the day, but is actually one of the most spiritually connected human beings I have ever had the privilege to meet.
We talked non-stop and he started to tell me things about myself. He even knew about my plans to move to L.A. which blew my mind! These are the sorts of moments in my life I never forget and which over the years have learned to cherish.
I once sat in a doctor’s office, the same one in which I’ve experienced so many heart-breaking moments and I met what I can only describe as an ‘angel of this world’. She was an elderly woman but one whose spirit I already recognised deep in my soul. Part of me felt that we had made contact or had some sort of relationship in a previous life-time. The closest way I can describe it is that she felt almost like a grandmother figure. After talking for only a few seconds it was clear that we were intimately connected. She opened up to me and we talked openly about some very private matters. As I left I held her hands together and kissed her forehead and told her everything would be okay. I walked away but before I got to the door I turned and asked her for her name. She told me that her name was Lily. Now, myself and Steve have both discussed that our daughter, who we believe so much we one day will have, will be named Lily. So I looked into the angel’s eyes and I told her that from that moment on my first daughter shall be named Lily and I would never forget the wonderful angel whom I’d met. As I left the doctor’s an emotion rushed through me; I had to physically sit down and take deep, gulping breaths as the tears streamed down my face.
I cannot even begin to explain to anybody how tough things have been for Steve and I this past year with the loss of our babies, the trouble with his visa, our bad choice of lawyers, all our money being taken from us by the vile greedy lying succubi of the British government.
As I sit here and write to you all I can promise you that no matter what life throws at you and how hard things may seem there is always a way out and things happen for a reason. Getting here to this point has been tough. In eight weeks I’ve lost my husband to deportation, moved our entire home to another country, worked, got the boys their pet-passports, and seen them off on my own flight as well as theirs. I have had many moments of self-doubt which have triggered my depression. They have kicked in so hard I didn’t want the day to begin so it wouldn’t have the chance to end. I was living in a world without light, living only in darkness.
I will tell you now; you have to believe in yourself and what you want. Only then can you make the things you want a reality. I couldn’t live another day without my soulmate and my husband and It has brought me and my Steve closer together than ever before and allowed us to start a new chapter; a whole new adventure. It was holding onto this belief which got me through.
One chapter starts, another ends. The chapter I leave behind me is one I am happy to finish. If a cloud can have a silver lining then surely this is it. My life can finally move on and I can leave behind not only the past year but the previous years of abuse and bad choices I have made, and which were unfortunately, and sometimes painfully, made for me. I am being giving a chance to start again, by the love of the angels I have protecting me, and by following the man I truly believe was put here on this earth as my soulmate. Follow your heart and know that every one of us in this world has had or is having something happen to us that makes us who we are. You have a choice: change it, or continue the pattern.
I know I’ve been intense in this blog but by George it has been an emotionally intense past few weeks. Right now, I’m sat with husband, my in-laws, my beautiful Mr White and Mister
Stooderbaker. I’m in the garden. It’s 10pm. In my hand I hold a glass of red wine. We’re listening to the blues and looking up at the stars. How things can change in such a short amount of time if you truly want them to and if you believe in yourself.
I know I’ve left out some of the most important parts of my story in arriving in California, including my reunion with Steve, but that was on purpose. Part 4 of my blog will be an extravaganza of joy and set the on-going tone of our adventures. I felt it was best to separate the moods I’m feeling but be sure there was much joy to be had and I shall be sharing it with you all very shortly. Expect Part 4 within a week.
Until then: one love to all you beautiful creatures.
Catch up with Xarah Xavier in Part 4 of her ongoing blog here at Beauty & Ruin in a week’s time.
Read Part 1: Xarah Xavier: Movin’ On
Read Part 2: Xarah Xavier: Comin’ Home
Read Part 4: Xarah Xavier: The Reunion
Read our tie-in interview with her husband and ex-Placebo drummer: Steve Forrest: From Brighton to L.A.
Blog by Xarah Xavier
Edited by Alex Hooper-Hodson